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“Shacking Up”
Shacking Up
Can the blessings of marriage be enjoyed without actually getting married?
by Mitchell Stevens
The institution of marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, established by God from the very beginning. When the world was as it should be, sinless and perfect, the only thing missing was a suitable companion for Adam. God created a companion for him—Eve, who became Adam’s wife. “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). A man and woman, bound together in the presence of God—this was marriage as it was meant to be. The blessings of such an arrangement are exemplified by the spotless setting in which it was founded. God intended for one man and one woman to be made one flesh forever, as Jesus confirmed. “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6).
But it seems that as our society grows more and more “sophisticated” and less reliant upon the standards set by God, marriage bears less and less authority in defining relationships. In the past few generations, the rate of divorces and couples living together outside of marriage has steadily been increasing. As with other perversions like divorce, adultery, and homosexuality, cohabitation without marriage has always been around. But now, even in “the Bible Belt,” moving in together is becoming a social norm that is no longer stigmatized as improper or even as immoral. Couples today don’t go straight to marriage. In 2006, there were 5.1 million heterosexual couples cohabiting in the United States (U.S. Census Bureau, 2006), which is a tenfold increase from 1970 when only 500,000 couples were cohabiting. According to the renowned demographer Larry Bumpass, the current rate of cohabitation before marriage is nearly 70%. This means that for 70% of young people, the couple they will model their relationship values on are cohabiting rather joined in holy matrimony (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007). It is predicted that 40% of all children will at some point live in a cohabiting household, where they are at risk of a wide range of negative outcomes as documented by the Urban Institute and other research institutions (David H. Olson and Amy Olson-Sigg. “Overview of Cohabitation Research.” prepare-enrich.com. Updated Mar. 2007.)
Back in 2003, the Commercial Appeal interviewed a few Memphians and authors who advocate cohabitation as “a matter of practicality not morality” (Donnie Snow, “Cohabitation Nation, 23 May 2003). One young woman said her reason for moving in with her boyfriend was that “We were spending most of our time together anyway, so (moving in together) seemed like the thing to do.”
Others are more adamant about cohabitation before marriage. “It is a necessity to live together before you get married,” said one young woman. Cohabitation is being promoted as a positive lifestyle in books such as Shacking Up: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Living In Sin Without Getting Burned (I couldn’t make up a title that blatant).
The general reasoning used by these various advocates is that living together provides an opportunity for you to really get to know the important things about your companion, such as “does he sleep naked,” “if he or she drinks out of the milk carton, or doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste,” and “how they deal with stress.” You can even work out future finances. Living together before marriage is described as being kind of like a dress rehearsal.
If the physical relationship intended by God for married couples can be “tried out” before the fact and later terminated if things don’t work out (whether before or after vows are exchanged), then marriage has lost every bit of its meaning, and people will suffer for their misconceptions. Premarital cohabitation misses the point of the entire idea of marriage in much the same way that baptism has been misapplied as a confirmation of one’s salvation, rather than the necessary means of obtaining it. If the standard is lowered, if the institution is cheapened, we will not obtain the same quality result as pure obedience will produce.
That is, in fact, what the research shows.
- Studies show the mere act of cohabiting before marriage increases a couple’s odds of divorce by 80 percent (Crouse).
- Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when compared to other living arrangements (Stewart & Olson, 1990; Olson, 2001).
- Cohabiters have lower scores than non-cohabiters on religious behaviors, personal faith, church attendance and joint religious activities (Thorton, A., Axinn, W.G. & Hill, D.H., 1992).
- Married couples that cohabitated prior to marriage have poorer communication skills in discussing problems than couples that did not cohabit (Cohan & Kleinbaum, 2000).
- Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
- Cohabiting males are less involved in housework and childrearing (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
- Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse (Thompson, Hanson & McLanahan, 1994).
Here in the research almost every reason a couple might give for living together before marriage is overturned. The exact OPPOSITE of what they intend occurs! How do you explain this? Why does cohabitation prove to be so destructive?
One explanation is that while the basis for marriage is a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting couples are much more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and are more willing to terminate the relationship. It is easy to speculate that once this low-commitment, high autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to change (National Marriage Project,2000). The lesson should be clear—whatever benefit we see to innovating upon God’s arrangement, it is a bad idea. It is sinful and separates us from God (Isaiah 59:1-2).
The whole arrangement is built around “trying one another out.” It is motivated by an unwillingness to commit. They want to try out all the benefits before they lay a foundation. But they have unwittingly laid the foundation upon which they will build their marriage. Unless that relationship is reworked, with an understanding that their assumptions about living together were destructive, they will be building their house on the sand.
Couples who live together outside of the bond of marriage open themselves up in ways that were not intended for two people who have not been made one flesh. The sexual relationship (which includes being naked around one another—hence, the importance of modesty) is one of mind and body, a sharing and giving. When it is exercised by couples who are “trying one another out,” each partner is, by the nature of the relationship, not giving but taking. “What can I get out of this relationship?” Sex was never intended to be a criterion for commitment; rather, it is meant to be a blessing of commitment. It creates a physical and spiritual bond, or trust, between two people, and no amount of conscious reasoning can change that fundamental fact. When it is practiced outside of marriage, that trust cannot be upheld—it is always in question. Just think of some common reasons why live-in couples do not want to get married: “I don’t know if I can trust him,” “I’m not sure if I love her,” or “I don’t know if he’s ready to make a commitment.”
Even when a couple who has lived together gets married, the physical relationship is scarred by guilt. For those with no understanding of God’s law, it is inexplicable, but even then it is still present. That is why sex outside of marriage is expressly forbidden (Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Thessalonians 4:3). Paul warned us to “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
Yes, there are plenty of reasons for why God established marriage and why He condemns sexual immorality. But to respond merely on reason is to make the same mistake of those who are moving in together because it just seems to make sense. The bottom line of why we must respect marriage, abstain from immorality, and live apart from our companions before we are bound is the law of Almighty God. “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7-8, Ephesians 5:31). The leaving and cleaving are done when the woman is described to the man as his wife. Intimacy is permitted because they are no longer two people, but one.
It is hard to imagine that people are actually living their lives in sin for such trivial details as another person’s eating, sleeping, and cleaning habits! These types of details, plus the more serious matters of a person’s stress management and finances, can easily be learned in other ways. The key is getting to know the person completely before you bind yourself so intimately to someone. When one fully understands what marriage means to God, they will take the time to know a person before they commit to him or her. That investment of time is part of God’s plan, and will reap blessings.
When we create relationships based on our own reasoning, setting our own standard for living, we disrespect the laws of God and misunderstand the true nature of human companionship.
“I know, O Lord, that a man’s way is not in himself; Nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps” (Jeremiah 10:23).
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Is God’s plan for dating, engagement, and marriage more difficult? Not when we consider how much hardship we avoid and how we please Him when we do it. “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3). Many couples may be modeling their relationships after popular trends, but as for me, I’ll take the Garden of Eden Plan. Ω
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:4
